cunctor (latin): somebody that is slow to act; who dawdles, delays, impedes, holds up; who doubts, hesitates, tarries, linger.

Realization

12/15/2021

Everyone is judgmental. The judgements just have to be sound.

I am increasingly realizing that i am actually very judgmental. I used to openly and secretly-even-more-so love judgmental people, because I would find a lot of them with very sound judgements. For that reason I am ecstatic about this growing judgmentalism in me; I love my judgements. They are so helpful, and I feel snarky. I think a lot of my judgements are sound, and if not, I am learning — so much better than not being able to generate judgements, which I think was my problem growing up. I would just feel emotions:

wow why is she so horrible to me, I feel terrible.
*subconsciously overcompensates by being too nice and shudders in terror every interaction*

and not necessarily lead it into a fully formed judgement

wow she is so horrible to me; rather than feeling terrible interacting with her, Ill avoid engaging with her as much as I can

I learned about three default negative emotions human can have.

Mbti is a behavior test. While everyone has congruence between behavior and mind, and while understanding and categorizing behaviors may be beneficial in predicting behaviors and somewhat mind. Not everyone has behaviors that exemplify their mind. At least I dont.
Mbti, enneagram, mayo clinic, so be it. I read these things and feel resonance like crazy and I know im not the only one. If there is even one or two persons that can relate: feel seen and understood, its worth it.

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Conception

12/15/2021

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12/14 flight, after finding out that my morning flight got cancelled only in the 8AM airport and dealing with the frustration from that while rescheduling for tonight, I guess I can’t help but have these background cache running. Used to call it anxiety, now I just embrace it. When the tsunami comes (I have this perfect drawing in my head, reminder to draw it out — for not showing anyone like you guys, if there even is an audience lol, but for my habit of executing whatever is in my head, because there exist great outcomes in the productions rather than consumptions of thoughts) I let them wander, and write them down non-stressingly. So here.

Last time I was in a plane ride from Prague to SFO, I had a similar tsunami: an instagram page. I was going to start off by posting all of my lovely travel content in a new instagram account (beautiful photo spots, nice restaurants, my up-close life, honest no-bullshit and personal review, etc), a whole new persona that I can make it to be whoever, (that is, nicely put; poorly put, cat fish) but now I see it being hard. It's too much. Too time consuming. Every time there is the usage of word too, its a misalignment of effort and purpose. Of course, it is not entirely additive and congruent with my general life direction, yet.

I had this idea of myADHDdiary.com: in tsunamis (or tornadoes? since these tsunamis have a central motif that bring back thoughts)

want to later expand to talking about other mental disorders I have/know of/experienced ( this section could be called TMI for talk mental illness /irregularity/incompetence/iridescence lol, to be differentiated w learning disabilities, a tad more focused on mood regulation) : anxiety, bipolar (mother-side), autism (exes, and half of SF is on the spectrum), addiction/obsession (lovers and loverlike friends), depression, suicidal, hypersensitivity, sleep disorder, personality disorder, dyslexia
other things including but not limited to: gender, sexuality, transgenderism, intersex, intersectionality with being Korean and in high society (whatever this means lol, will explain later), romantic relationship, my view love-affection, having sex (lol probably mucho later)
Food. Omg such a difficult and complicated relationship with food.
I am such a content oriented person. Hence I have to limit content per day. But I want to highlight some of the content. (Laura Clery, all of Tiktok and Reel videos I find ingenius)
Figured myADHDdiary.com would already be taken or exorbitantly expensive (web domain investment is so real! Shoutout to vinlin for buying assnips.com and assnipples.comin our uber from drinks to karaoke after a few huts w his pen and giggling about it for few mins. May you profit off of some pornlord. I believe this was after I pitched OnlyethFans.com. Pretty self explanatory: disrupting the antiquated porn industry/sexual creators market with decentralized ownership of porn as well as creators’ body parts: really bringing NFT making to individuals, anybody with a body can do it, expected to blow up in the bdsm market as well ofc, further enhancing #mybodymychoice, the quality of porn (creators get individually compensated for excellence and brand — moving away from mass produced cringey plot & abhorrent acting, hoping to see more high quality homebrewed ones, since that will give most profit to least shareholders) and liberation of people in general, pushing modern day limits whatever lol) Not only will it be difficult and unnecessarily difficult to secure a catchy, fashionable-enough web domain, but newsletter, email inbox, people privacy of traits / interest in adhd, can’t have myADHDdiary sending you newsletters, need something more discrete that only people who know know. Realized I already have cunctor.com that’s currently idle, used to be a personal portfolio website. I’m imagining a huge fullpage splash header with a definition of cunctor ; which is to procrastinate, delay, dawdle.
I used to have 8 different ig accounts and used to post quite quality content, quite regularly. In order to be able to post often (important; because people arent going to read and reread my content) Everytime I get too tired or distracred and leave off mid sentence, I will still post. There might be art in that. If anyone wants to read more, they can let me know, I will be more than happy to finish my sentences/thoughts. Its just that it is cumbersome to write out whats already done thinking in my head and to bring back attention to write when mind’s already moved on, and as we all know (lol who) I cant get bored. Idea is to create a button in which I can just insert at the end of my mid sentence. <bro> basically a nudge. Sounds complicated to actually implement. Automated nudge.. Maybe Ill ask a front end friend. Kye?
My biggest concern rn is to figure out this piece on execution. What is my reward system? Perhaps writing about it/ sharing it with open public can help. Obviously not expecting to have a ADHD specialist PhD to be an audience of my writing and providing me with self knowledge I can use to garner bigger execution power, but yeah that would be ideal.
This is such a beautiful phenomenon. I want to write to get answers to my procrastination. And the web domain that I happened to randomly pick when I was in HS is cunctor which means procrastinator in latin.
Why would writing help? Because when I read diary entries from the past I see that I have strong emotions to content. and so I know influence (yes the influence created by influencers) rings my heart, its something that moves me — in my heart but also out of bed. This is an important piece of information. I hope I can gain many more information like this by verbalizing my thoughts and hearing/reading myself.
Concept of “hearing myself “. Important.
But I probably won’t do newsletters. Probably cant keep it up. If Alex Taussig cant keep it up, i cant either. Let’s be real.
Highly personal meme page
I have these thought notes that usually end mid-sentence all the time, would be great to create for myself a safe space where it is still significant / impactful
I felt the
I am subconsciously imagining myself blasting a post on fb & instagram, unsure if this will be public to my high societe friends
Thanks to Nikhil Buduma, the love of my life, for validating my tsunami thoughts and telling me I am a good writer. A lot of people have told me that but you guys weren’t Nikhil. Love how your intelligence is so liberal and all empowering that it helps you understand my fragmented. He told me I am very logical and incredibly coherent.
My VC diary
Actually inspired by Alex Taussig from Lightspeed venture partners (biggest and the first foundational manager invested by CalPERS) he writes newsletters : drinking from the firehouse, could be a textbook — if anyone wants insights and sound judgements as the basis of their own, highly recommend. I was in a meeting with him and I told him I was a fan and did not mention why it had stopped, but he guilt-tripping-ly opened with yeah so I havent been able to get to it for a while usually we have our daughter sent to care so that I have Sunday morning to write it, but havent been able to get to it lately.
Non linear path

will re-organize later

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Outburst

Conspiracy on Time

Realization

Conception

Author: cunctor

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